Finding Peace in Change

So, here I am....married for 1 year and 9 months and I haven't blogged in a looooong time.  We have had so many awesome excitements in life, specifically beginning a new life in our house that we bought at the end of July.  The process to get a house was very overwhelming for us, but God truly guided us to the right house for us and there are and were so many blessings in store for us because of it.

Here's a picture of our pride and joy! :)  

I feel like every huge change in my life has taken a toll on me in a different way.  Going to college was a huge change because I had to take myself out of everything I knew and build a new life.  Starting a new job was such a big change for me because I had to learn a whole new system and make that my new life 5 days a week.  Marriage was a big change in life because I had to learn how to live with, love and care for someone else.  Getting a house was more overwhelming than I thought it would be because I have had to learn how to keep up with more space and how to care for that space as best as I can with the little time that I have.  

Can I just say that I don't like change?  I don't do well with change...I don't thrive off of change.  Change tends to cripple me...change tends to rock my world in a way that I don't enjoy.  Anxiety that I can't explain takes over my body and it is so difficult to kick.  It frustrates me that even good change can do that to me.  The other day I literally drove all the way to my old apartment just because it was a comfort to me for so long and I missed that.  Why would someone who has a wonderful house drive to their old comfort zone and think that would make them feel better?  It is the strangest thing that I am wired to love comfort..almost too much.

I just learned the other day through a dear friend that one of the reasons I don't do well with life changes are because I can't control what will happen and when/how it will happen.  On the outside, I am cool, calm and collected...but on the inside, my mind races and wonders what will happen next and how I will do with it all.  I never thought of this as a control issue, but it really is.  I always prided myself on being a laid-back person, but if I am questioning everything all the time and worrying my way through life when I don't know how it will turn out, that's me telling God, "I think I can do it better!!"  

Wanna know what triggered it this time?  A puppy...a little, itty bitty dog that my husband decided we must have!!!!!  Is he cute and sweet? Yes!! Is he gonna be a great addition to our family?  I'm sure he will be!  But in my mind, I have been worrying about all these little details about him.  Do we really want to handle keeping up with 2 dogs?  What if he turns out to be a big dog since we don't know what he's mixed with? What if he bites my future kids someday?  What if he's mean to Gracie?  I mean seriously, I've been driving myself crazy with it and I know Daniel is tired of hearing about it.  We bought the dog, we are learning to love the dog and I still can't calm myself down enough to just enjoy him.  Oh yea, here he is!  Meet Isaac!

So what's the problem?  My world was once again shaken by even just a little puppy...because I dislike change.  Why can't I just be excited with my husband about him without questioning it?  Why can't I just rest in my present new world??

I know why and I hate admitting it.....I'm not learning how to rest in God through even the little things.  I know with all my heart that God takes care of the big things in my life because He's proven it to me time and time again, but these little old feelings I have that I can't seem to shake...I seem to think He can't handle that.... that He can't help me through that because this is just the way that I am.  I'm tired of myself...I'm tired of dwelling on things that are out of my control.  I've got to trust Him through all this and believe that He is bigger than my racing thoughts, feelings and fears.

Isaiah 41:10 says: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

I will choose to remember that He will strengthen me and walk me through this life when I tap into Him.  I know that He wants me to trust Him through it all, even when it's hard and I am determined to figure out how to execute this.

I will choose to look at His faithfulness in my life...how He has provided for me time and time again, even when I wasn't sure how He was going to do it.  I will choose to count my blessings instead of sheep.  Love this song by Bing Crosby in White Christmas:

When I'm worried and I can't sleep

I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all

And I fall asleep counting my blessings  

Lord, help me to rest in You alone when my world is not as I think it should be.  Help me to remember Your blessings in my life and to embrace change as a new opportunity to trust You through it all.  May You be glorified in this weakness in my life and may I recognize Your provisions in everything, big or small.  Your peace, which passes all understanding Will guard my heart and my mind.  Amen.

God Never Stops Blessing

I just can't stop remembering and reflecting on God's faithfulness in blessing me these last few months. 

Here they are.....
1st and foremost, DANIEL AND I MADE IT TO 1 YEAR!!!!!!  What a blessing.  I just had no idea in my poor, little naive brain how much work marriage is and can be, so we are grateful that God guided and directed us through our first year.  He was so faithful to sustain us when we were discouraged or when we have struggled with life just dragging us down at times.  God is completely capable of sustaining a marriage when we give it to Him.  Awesome experience so far and can't wait to see what God will teach us next. 

    My parents took us out to celebrate!

      

         Celebrating!                               

The amazing bible Daniel got me with my name on it!!!

Lovin' the cake!!

                                                                                  

We went to a murder mystery dinner for our anniversary and we loved it!  We had to try to figure out who the killer was and it was just nice to do something different and fun. 

2.  Peace in the midst of storms-      Unexpectedly, this has been one of the most challenging school years I've ever had.  You might say, wow, hard caseload?  Nope, not at all!  I have an almost entirely new caseload and each and every one of them are blessings.  I even have amazingly cute preschool walk-in students that are SO MUCH FUN!!!!  You might think it's the paperwork....nope, actually this has been a pretty good year for me with that!!!  It is simply that God has placed people in my life that are challenging me in extremely hard ways.  I always think that God will surround me with honest, hard-workers...but that's not always the case.  God is bringing this blessing-in-disguise for a reason...and I will perservere until its time is up.  He's giving me SO MUCH peace when I just tap into it and ask for His help.  He is so completely capable of dealing with these situations and He's so much better at it than me!!! 

3.  Celebrations!!!!!!  Life is worth celebrating, right?  I feel so very blessed to be a part of so many people that are full of exciting times in their lives. 

Some of my bestest friends are pregnant and they happen to have the same name and are both having boys!!!!!  I had the privelage of helping throw a shower for Lisa Wolf celebrating her VERY soon arrival of her baby!!   I cannot wait to gently squeeze that precious little life in the next week!!!  Yayy

And then there's the other, Lisa Tutt....I get to celebrate her soon-coming baby Henry this weekend and I can't wait!! 

They will both be amazing mamas!!!!!!!!

And my precious cousins Samantha and David got married!  I am sooo excited for them to enjoy the blessing that is marriage.  God created it and will honor and bless it tremendously...I believe it!!!!   We love you, Samantha and David!!!  Here's a pic of me, Daniel and my mom at the wedding.

4.  My baby dog Gracie-*Insert cheesy music here.*  There's just something about that little face that greets me with excitement every day no matter what.  Maybe it's the consistency and devotion that I so crave and cling to...I don't know.  She's just a cuddly, sweet, amazing little furry friend of mine and I love her dearly.  Here she is with Francie, my parent's dog!  Aren't they precious!!?!?!!  :) 

5.  Spontaneity and Surprises-Maybe sometimes I just don't believe that God can surprise me in life or do something great through change.  Maybe I'm just too comfortable in not believing big enough.  But God has brought me so many surprises and excitement through just seeing it all play out.  He has answered several of my prayers and I can't wait to see what He will do with them.  He has taught me that I can do things with dedication...Example, I am reading the bible daily and Loving it!  I can't get enough of the Bible right now and it is coming alive for me.  Such a miracle considering I have a hard time following through with plans.  (Shout out to The Bible App-it keeps me accountable and sends me virtual awards!!!)

And I am grateful for random ideas from my husband that turn out to be just what we needed.  We decided to go to Oklahoma City on a whim last night to eat dinner and stay the night!  It was nice, relaxing, fun, and a true bonding experience for us. 

So that's why I'm blessed....God has truly been devoted to loving on me and us and I can't ask for more.  He never stops blessing!!!!!!!!  

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

Expectations

***Expectations-the strong belief that something will happen or be the case. in the future.

So, I am here to tell you that I truly believe that expectations can mess you up. They mess me up all the time.
If I expect something to happen and it doesn't happen, it can affect my whole day, my mood and my perception of that situation.
Let me give you an example.....

Valentine's Day 2012...I selfishly EXPECTED Daniel to get me flowers, cook for me and spoil me rotten for the special day as we hadn't had one together ever.  I had a feeling he was planning something, but I just couldn't tell.  I got home from work and Expected flowers or something sweet.  Nothing.  I was disappointed.  My expectations were unfulfilled.  And unfortunately, I expressed it.  Daniel was sweet and said he was sorry and I went to see my client.  I got home from seeing my client and he had the apartment decorated with candles, a fancy meal was made and there were beautiful flowers as well.  Well, shoot....not only was I wrong, I already ruined the special moment by being selfish.  Luckily, Daniel was gracious and happy to have surprised me.  But see what I did?  I let my expectations completely ruin what I already had..an upcoming special moment with him.  So what if he hadn't had something special for me?  I still had him...we still had sweet moments in our relationship.  But, because I thought I deserved it, I was mad when what I expected, almost didn't happen.  

I can think of many other things.....I expect my day to run smoothly at work with everything happening the way I want it....doesn't happen most days.  I expect Daniel to be in a good mood when I'm in a good mood....doesn't always happen.  I expect there to be no bumps in the road....never happens.  
I guess I just keep thinking....Don't I stress myself out more with what I expect than with what actually happens?  If only I could actually sit back and see the clear picture and think, "Anything can happen with this, but I'm OK with whatever."  But that just seems impossible to me at times.  


It seems like the only possible way to achieve happiness in all circumstances is to find a healthy approach to expectations.

Let's see.....Does the world offer me this?  The world tells me that if I want it, I should get it.  And if someone doesn't give it to me, make it happen.  It's my right to have everything I want and if people aren't on board, screw them.  (Excuse the harshness, but it's true, right?)  So, if I'm trying to steer away from selfishness in my responses to the "unchangeables" in life, is this the best answer for me?  

The Bible says....

-And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.  2 Corinthians 9:8

-For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him.  Psalm 62:5

-As it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death.  Philippians 1:20

That last bible verse gets me....eager expectation.  Am I eager to expect things, whether they go my way or not?  And how do you "eagerly expect" something that might be bad?  The verse goes on to say that he has full courage that Christ will be honored in his body, whether life or death.  Wow.  It does take courage to trust that God is going to keep me in all circumstances no matter what.  I know without a fact that Paul got that courage from Jesus Christ alone, because we as humans are just not capable of true courage of the "what ifs" or "Oh my gosh, that just happened" events in our lives.  If you search online for "what if" or type in advice for a situation, you can be guaranteed that you will find people desperately searching for answers of how to deal with the unexpected.  People are crying out for answers out there.  But Paul....during his final days, of which I'm sure he never expected or anticipated, boldly stated that he eagerly expected and hoped in Christ Jesus with courage. 

I think that's the answer to my problem, or dare I say, our problem as a society.  If we eagerly expected the unexpected, whether it be the best day ever or an 'I-need-some-ice-cream-kinda-day," would our responses be different?  More importantly, are we spending enough time with Him to be able to handle all of life's challenges?  He promised us in His Word that He will supply all our needs according to HIS glorious riches.  He might not allow what we think we need, but He is a constant source of hope for us no matter what happens.  

My challenge for this huge issue in my life is to eagerly expect what God is bringing in my life and that will put my hope in Him.  I want to respond to whatever lies ahead with His grace and peace.  And in doing that, I will expect God to do exceedingly and abundantly more than I can ask or think.

Making a god of "The Moments"

Something I've realized about myself as I've gotten older is that life is not as fun and adventurous as it used to be back in high school and college. I was more spontaneous and I had a lot more room to budge with my free time.
If I wanted to go on a road trip, I could. If I wanted to hang out with friends, we arranged it that day and it happened! If I wanted to do nothing all day, I could. It was glorious.
But now, I have obligations to be places every day or every few days. I know my schedule is pretty much the same with a few exceptions week-to-week. I find myself being disappointed with events that used to be so exciting. I'm always confused as to why something that I anticipated so much couldn't keep that nagging feeling of emptiness away. I think I figured it out......
I have so much excitement building and building for an event, that when its actually over, I get disappointed and down.
Like for example, I can get so excited for a weekend full of fun events, that when they're over, I feel sad.

Why? I believe I have made a god of "moments." I have let my heart get so entangled with the emotions of fun events fulfilling me, that I have missed the mark.
What does it mean to make a god of a moment or moments? It means that I have let the rush and excitement of special or important moments in my life take the place of God. I have expected them to fill me up and make me happy and well, they're just not. Sure, they encourage me and make life not so monotonous, but they're not meeting my needs like I want them to.

How do I fix that? I need to turn to the Source of happiness, which is God. He has promised me that He will fill me with joy in His presence and that eternal pleasures are at His right hand. (Psalm 16:11)
So, when I really spend time with Him and see the big picture of who He is and what He's doing, those things that I depended on to bring happiness are just extra blessings in my life that come. They're not the true source of my happiness and they won't leave me feeling empty anymore. They'll make me all the more grateful for His many blessings in my life.

So, Here's the scenario now...
When I go to this amazing event in my life and feel sorely disappointed it's over, I will choose to remember that my true source of happiness comes from God alone. We, as humans are just not capable of comprehending how high, how deep and how high His love is for us and how much He wants to fill us up every day. But we can try. I'm going to try harder this week to find that God, the Maker of all of my moments, is fully capable of making me glad. Will you join me?

Last Week Was Interesting....

The week started out with continued excitement as Daniel started his new job as an interpreter!  He has been consistently manning the computer looking for jobs and grabbing them when he can.  So far, he has worked at a hospital a few times, a few schools and a homeless shelter.  He's going to have some very interesting experiences to come and I'm excited for him!  Here's to the new job!

I'm proud of you, Daniel!








-This week at school has been kinda interesting.  I've had to deal with a new frustration that I've gratefully never had to deal with before now.  I'm having to step up and explain the rules to someone and quite frankly, it's not fun.  I guess there's a reason for all of this, but I pray it gets better before it gets worse.  I think back to my first days in the job and I remember how hard it was....and I'm so grateful I'm not there anymore!

-Interesting evening experience of the week-
Daniel and I went grocery shopping the other night and I really don't like shopping at night.  But, now that I have a male with me at most times, I am willing to go there after it turns dark.  We were walking out after shopping and a very suspicious-looking young man walked out with his basket like this (except he looked nothing like this guy):

He walked next to us and I quietly told Daniel, "Hey, he doesn't have any grocery bags. I think he's stealing."  We watched him and he got in the car with 2 other ladies ready to drive off.  A grocer came out and said "Excuse me, where's your receipt?"  He ignored him and got in the car.  Daniel and I were both like, "What in the world?!?!"  But then, we saw the smart grocer take the person's license plate number.  He deserved a Grocer of the Week Award for sure.  I'm hopeful that they got the car and the guy got in trouble.  But goodness, it was kinda scary to witness, because you just never know! 

-Neeext, I've really been trying to act like everything is fine and dandy with my health, but it just hasn't been.  I've had a terrible immune system most of my life and sometimes it's fine, but other times it's just a mess.  I'm having some tests run and I'm hoping for some new answers, but it's been kinda rough!! 

-And who can really express the sadness of losing Big Tex at the State Fair??  I remember going to see him almost yearly growing up and I just feel like he's such a staple character and was a consistent strange-looking man I'd see every year at the Fair.  It's hard to believe he went down to the ground in ashes.  I'm actually really grateful, because Daniel and I met my Aunt Joanna and cousin Alex at the fair the other day.  We took a picture and the picture was lost on my Aunt's phone.  So, I had this feeling (I'm sure this was prophetic) that we needed to go take a picture in front of it again later.  So, we did and we got a great final picture in front of the REAL Big Tex. (I know they'll make a new one, but it just won't be the same!)  I'm so grateful Daniel got to see him as this was his first time to the fair!!     

On a funny note, my mother and I were texting about this and she said "And he died on his 60th birthday!!  I hope this is not an omen for turning 60!!!" (Says my wonderful almost 60-year old mother!  lol  She's a funny lady!!!)


So all this to say, sometimes I have weird/bad weeks.  Sometimes, I have bad days.  And maybe I'll have a bad month, who knows.  But this just makes me more and more grateful for a God who sees all, knows all and takes care of all in His timing.  I might not ever get this situation at work resolved, but I have a God who can resolve me right now within this situation.  That man that stole might not ever get caught for stealing, but God saw and knows that man's future.  I might always have health problems, but I believe and trust that my God will supply ALL my needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:19) 
When times are frustrating, I'm going to choose to be happy, because I have a God who loves me dearly and wants me to learn how to be content in all circumstances.  So, even though this blog post seems like there is a lot of frustration going on, I am very glad for these circumstances.  Yes, I said that.  I say this, because they are helping me to see that God is bigger than everything that happens to me and He wants me to be more like Him through these situations.  If I can come out of all of these happenings without being burned too badly (unlike Big Tex :( ), then I'd say that I'm pretty blessed.  
Thank you, God, for all of Your continued lessons in my life!!! 

My New Life is an Adventure

So, here I am....a married woman, newly 30 years old and amazed at how far God has brought me. 

I was living the single life for what seemed like a long, long time.  But I can't say that it was "wasted time" or that my life "just now started" because I'm married.  I was able to enjoy a lot of great adventures of traveling, learning things on my own and lots and lots of friend time.  I learned how to focus on my passions and pursue them with no distractions.
But now....I have a husband....in my house....all the time.  (I lived by myself for 6 years and I'm an only child. Enough said! ha!)  It's been an adjustment to say the least.  Oh, and to top that off, I live with a Venezuelan.  Yes, my husband is from Venezuela and moved here for me all in the name of love. (I say "Go big, or go home!")  We went through the whole process of a fiance visa after 2 years of long distance dating.  He was here for 3 months before we got married and now he is a resident.  Talk about a whirlwind of a process!  I can honestly say that it feels like I have a mail order husband because he and I both had to prove SO much to be able to get him here.  Craziness!! 

So as you can probably imagine, we have had to learn quite a bit together.  Here are a few:

1.  I had to cut out the word "mine" when speaking with Daniel about things around the house.  I might have even used the phrase "What did you do to MY computer?" That didn't go over too well, but from the perspective of an only child that never had to share her things, it makes sense to me.  Ha!

2.  I have an extremely LOUD husband...he talks loudly, walks loudly, snores loudly, watches TV with the volume on LOUD and even sings loudly.  It's quite an adjustment to go from a peace and quiet home life to a life filled with new noises.  "Shhhhhh" is definitely a must-say phrase in our lives.

3.  I have to remember to pick up my stuff now!  I used to let things slide for a while on cleaning and now...he expects it to be put away.  What?!?!? (This is one of those good things I've had to learn, but very hard when in a routine!!!)

4.  Spanish TV and music-Sometimes Daniel wants to watch Spanish TV.  I understand Spanish, but not that fast...so I usually just end up playing on my phone.  Oh, but sometimes, he watches "funny videos" and laughs his head off.  I have no idea what they are saying, so I in turn get frustrated and ruin his fun. 
The music thing is NOT a problem because I used to go salsa dancing.  But, sometimes, he listens to old Spanish music that is not even close to appealing in my opinion!  I eventually end up asking him to turn it off after I can't stand it anymore. 

5.  Boys are gross!  Let's just leave it at that....

6.  Outside friend time-Let's just say, I was one of those girls that did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to and never had to ask anyone if it was ok.  It's not that it's bad to ask if it's ok to go out, but it's different.  I love spending time with Daniel, but my friends were "it" for me for a long time.  That's had to change!  It's not been a bad thing, but a learning thing for sure.

7.  Life as a married couple=two sinners living together which in turn = fights and frustrations.  I have never done well with fighting.  Fights stress me out, make me uncomfortable and I usually end up crying no matter what.  I have had to learn how to fight fair and talk through things.  It's hard work for both of us!!!!

8.  Sharing a bed is a whole different ballgame!  I married someone that loves to utilize the whole bed while sleeping and happens to snore.  I've learned to adjust, but at first, I was less than willing to deal with it nicely.  Thank goodness I have an understanding husband!!!

9.  We need grace and lots and lots of prayer.  So, some people seem to think that when you get married, you don't need God as much because you have your new best friend.  Ohhh no, I've learned that you need God MORE!  Here's why...you never know how either of you will react to situations or what will cause problems each day.  You have to give it to God and understand that He will work it out.  And he has gotten us through many many misunderstandings thus far.  Prayer helps SO much because He is in charge of both of us and can speak wisdom into our hearts when we are upset.  I am speaking for both of us, but we are SO grateful for a God that desires for our marriage to be peaceable and shared with Him. 

10.  Honesty flows.....freely.  Sometimes Daniel is so honest with me, I find myself in a puddle of tears for silly things.  See, I care so much what he thinks about me, that when I find out his opinion, I can reallly take it hard sometimes.  He ALWAYS means well, but sometimes I tend to take it too personally.  It's one of the most difficult things I've had to learn in marriage so far, but it's been beneficial to know that I have someone that wants the best for me.  So when someone wants the best for me and knows me well, they are going to tell me the honest truth sometimes.  Ohhh, how the pride can get in the way!  :)

In all the learning, the most amazing concept I've gotten to learn is that the love grows each and every day.  I can honestly say that I didn't know what loving Daniel really was when we got married.  We had only been together consistently for 3 months before we got married.  Even though we saw each other while dating and talked on the phone ALL the time, I have truly fallen in love with Daniel in these last 7 months of marriage.  It's incredible that love can grow and I love being able to experience it each and every day.  It's a true blessing from God.  We are best friends and we truly need each other's encouragement and love.  Oh, and we have a lot of fun!  :) 
So there you go....life has changed...for the better for me.  Don't get me wrong...life would've still been good if I wasn't married, but Daniel has been an incredible addition to help me become who God has called me to be.  I'm a grateful girl!