Come Just As You Are

I walked Madelyn into church last Saturday and a sweet lady said this to me in passing:  "I almost didn't recognize her without her bow on today! She looks so different!"
 You see, my daughter wears the cutest and sweetest little dresses with bows every Sunday because a. She has them, so it's a good time to wear them!  b.  She looks so adorable all dressed up! and  c.  It feels nice to look like a put-together family at church who dresses their kids well. (Gulp. There, I said it!)
So when she said this to me, it hit me for a second...We really haven't been letting the church see another side of our family lately because we haven't been more involved outside of Sundays.  Whoops.  I always try to put my best foot forward at church on Sundays...look happy, greet everyone I see with a smile, be encouraging and I tell myself, "Don't let others see you emotional."  I usually say "I'm good!" when people ask me how I'm doing.  (Isn't that the cardinal rule for responses these days? ha!)  I love to build relationships, I love to be there for others, but having others see me anything but content and happy...it's embarrassing and I don't want to make others feel sorry for me or feel uncomfortable.  
So, we were at church for a marriage conference and we all wore typical Saturday attire and I just happened to not put Madelyn's bow on that day.  I dropped the kids off to the nursery area after breakfast and the atmosphere for the Espana duo was not off to a great start because...marriage is hard sometimes.  I just happened to talk to a sweet friend who noticed I was upset and while she was saying kind and encouraging things, it happened....I cried.  Right there in front of all these people that were there to talk about love and marriage and how to grow in it.  She spoke hope into our season of marriage and I felt encouraged, but also was still struggling through my emotions.  It was a bittersweet moment for me.  The morning went on and by God's grace, the atmosphere changed from upset and defeat to fulfillment and hopefulness.  And I realized....I needed to go to church this last Saturday as someone with my "bow off"...as someone who genuinely doesn't have it all together and who needed some wisdom from other married couples who have been through the ups, downs and all-arounds in life together.  And while it didn't go perfectly for me, it was good for my soul.

If you're in a season where you feel like you have to hold it all together and act like a good wife, mom, worker, friend, daughter etc., etc., etc...can I just encourage you that it's O.K. to not be or appear perfectly fine sometimes?  And for people to see us that way?  Can we all just admit that life is sucky sometimes and we can't always fake it till we make it?  And then, that if/when life does get better for us, can we all promise to give each other compassion and grace when others are down?

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.  
Philippians 2:1-2  
Live your life outloud with others.  Please don't keep it to yourself just because it's scary to be vulnerable.  I promise you that when you share your trials or experiences with someone else, they will breathe a silent sigh of relief to know that they're not alone in their struggles and weaknesses.  The devil wants nothing more than to cause divisions, conflicted feelings, isolation and upset among God's children, especially in the church.  And with great contrast, the Lord wants us to be unified, while truly loving each and every one of the people that He's allowed into your life by sharing, empathizing, and encouraging.  And when you share your experiences and wisdom with others, you just never know how much your words can bring life and comfort to ears who need to hear them in that exact moment.

So, I let people see me without my "bow on" on Saturday at church and it was the perfect place for it to happen...a place where I can come to be refreshed, renewed and reminded of His love by God and often through the kindest people who love Him, too.  We all need grace, hope and encouragement in our lives and a healthy church family is just the place to find it through every season we are in, good or bad.  The Lord wants us to come just as we are.    

God's Timeless Love

*February 18, 1984, little Diana Tesch received a sweet little book called 'Peek-A-Boo!  I see you!' by her loving grandparents.  She loved the book and took good care of it.  We know she took good care of it because her mother saved it for all of these years so that her grandchildren could read it, too.  The size of it is perfect for a little toddler, the rhyme is fun and catchy, and the pictures are so, so cute.

So now, here I am, as Diana España, watching my little girl Madelyn España read this book with awe and wonder in her eyes as this book seems like it was made just for her.  She loves peek-a-boo!, she loves rhymes, she loves all of the pictures, especially the ducks, and her face literally lights up when we read it.  See?  

So God gave me a thought and I just really let it sink in.  Someone wrote this book years ago, knowing that little children would love it, tapping into all the loves of little toddler's hearts.  Then, someone, being my grandparents, thought of me and said,"Diana will love this book!!" and then gave it to me for special times to read and enjoy.  And so then I thought a little bit more about it and then it hit my heart.  God knew long, long ago that this book would be perfect for so many little kids, but especially little Madelyn.  I believe God knew long ago that when the author of this book wrote this, He knew who would be impacted by it.  And then He allowed my grandparents to buy this book, knowing that I would enjoy it greatly.  But even more amazingly, this book seems to be hand-crafted for my little Madelyn, who absolutely thinks the world of it.  (The only thing we could add to it to make it more for Madelyn is Elmo.  Boy, does that girl love Elmo these days!)
But seriously, do we even realize or fathom that God loves us so much that He thinks of ways to bring us delight long before it comes to fruition?  I don't think I could've ever foreseen how God has taken care of us and brought us to where we are, much less, that an old book of mine could light up my daughter's world.  But God did.  He longs for us to find delight in the blessings He gives us and it's His honor to be recognized when we do.  I can imagine Him swelling with pride up there knowing that my little Madelyn loves this 34 year old book that came to be with me, her and so many others in mind.  

Now, I'm just talking about a book, y'all.  There are so many other ways that God reveals His love and thoughtfulness towards us day-in and day-out.  And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.  Phiippians 4:19

He's ready to be right there with us to help us along, provide for us in surprising ways, and to show us how much He cares for us in big and small ways.  Are we looking for them?  I'm trying to remember to look to the author of my story, especially when life doesn't seem to be going the way I want it to go all the time.  He is there through it all.  The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.  Proverbs 16:33  He knows what we will go through long before we do and has all the tools we need to be able to get through each and every situation.  

So, just like God showed me He thought of my little girl long ago, He thinks of all of us in all that He does all the time.  We have access to an all-encompassing, mighty Lord who longs to be gracious to you;  He will rise up to show you compassion, for He is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for Him!  (Isaiah 30:18)

Let's all remember to look for all the ways He shows us His great and timeless love.  Because, Peek-A-Boo!  He sees you!  (Cheesy, I know, but I couldn't help myself! :) )   Blessings!

            God's gifts to our family-Matthew and Madelyn, 4 and 18 months

Less talk, More Word

Y’all, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve written last, but the Lord has been stirring this in my heart for a while, so I feel led to share.
I have always been a technology lover for a long, long time...back when AIM was around you could find me chatting all the time with friends in my spare time. I have always cherished hearing what other people have to say, especially those I look up to with amazing spiritual lives. I love to listen to confident people share what God has done in their lives and then try my hardest to take on all that they exude.  I almost put them on a pedestal at times, thinking, “I could never be that bold or put-together like ________"(insert amazing godly woman model).  I can’t believe I’m saying this after years of loving all things internet, but, I think we are taking in way too much of what others are saying through social media/media outlets and not enough of what He says. Now let me just clarify...God talked through a donkey to someone, so He can use anyone to make Himself known and present in someone’s life.  Let me also say that there have been seasons in my life here lately when I haven’t had the proper energy or carved out time to spend hearing from God through His Word alone. So I would/have listened to sermons, podcasts, Facebook and Instagram lives, topical YouTube videos or anything that could feed me His words in place of the Bible.  But can I just tell you that while they have ministered to me, sometimes greatly, there is just nothing like His precious and Holy Word.  He uses the Word to give voice to what we need in just the right times and gives us the discernment to interpret His words.  
Y’all, these are scary times...there are a lot of people using the internet to share His love and truth, but yet, are barely speaking His name. They might have some great catch-phrases that sound wonderful on a coffee mug or bumper sticker, but the Word of the Lord is flawless, like silver purified in a crucible, like gold refined seven times. (Psalm 12:6) The Word of God is alive and active, sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12)  Wow!
There might be a sermon or word from someone that is SO good, but there is nothing like receiving that word from the Lord Himself through His Word.  And think about it...if they are truly in love with the Lord, they will want to encourage you to receive His Word first, not engulf you with their words and wisdom all day, every day.  We need to be wise and discerning as we listen to what others say about the Word and we can do that by spending time with Him first.   
I’m guilty...100% guilty of running quickly to the internet and All the great resources it has to offer.  And I’m grateful...I’ve gottten some great godly wisdom on anxiety, marriage, parenting, etc.  But there is absolutely nothing better than feeling that extra layer of protection that only the Word can give you as you start your day and enter into our world of constant advice and chatter.  
I read 1 Timothy 6 this morning and couldn’t believe how relevant it is to some of the things we are seeing these days on social media and on TV.  Speaking of the people who did not have a sound instruction of Jesus Christ, it was also brought to light that they could believe that godliness is a means to financial gain.  But I love what was said in 1Timothy 6:6-7: ‘But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.’

This life begins and ends with The Lord....we can’t take our advice columns, our best friends, our favorite podcasters, our favorite inspirational quotes....it’s just going to be us and Him. So why don’t we just turn to Him every day and let His Word give us life and energize us for what is to come? Listen to those people that inspire you as much as you need to, but make sure that He is the One you listen to more.  He’s worth every second you give Him and will guide you through His Word, the greatest resource,  to everything that you need.  That’s a promise you can rely on. 

Seen, Known and Loved

So, here I am 3 years into motherhood with a 3 year old and a 6 month old.  I really can't believe how much has happened in such little time. It has gone so fast and I feel like savoring the moments gets trickier and trickier to do when you're a working mom with 2 jobs, wife of a student, maintainer of a home and trying to raise little kiddos.  Daniel is now on the brink of nursing school, so he's taking all the required classes and working super, super hard.  It's amazing to see him realize what he wants to do and dive in head-first.  Matthew has been our challenge child through it all and we still deal with lots of defiance and teaching him how to do what he knows he needs to do when he's frustrated.  I'm 100% sure my most frequently used word has been "pow-pow," because there's been lots of them!!  But despite the behaviors, he has a genuinely kind heart and is so smart.  We laugh often with him, which helps balance out the ebs and flows of parenting our little strong personality.  And Madelyn....she is just the sweetest little angel that I never knew I needed.  I love her smile, her laugh, her sweet presence and watching her develop at such a rapid rate!!  She is constantly moving and "talking" and I foresee her crawling early to try to keep up with that crazy big brother of hers.  She is extremely consistent with her schedule and it wasn't even set by me...she set it herself and then it was reinforced well by her sitter.  That's been a wonderful and refreshing blessing!!!  


I have been trying to balance life with all the many hats that I have to put on as I live in this very busy season of my life.  I'm not going to lie...balancing right now is extremely difficult for me.  I feel like everything I need to do is a priority and I am unsure of how to execute them all well.  Managing time while keeping up with nursing and caring for a baby and little boy is difficult.  I want to spend quality time with my family, but yet, also keep up with the things I need to do.  And I absolutely love that my husband is entering his element for his career, but it's hard to have a busy husband and not have him available to help with all the everydayness of life with 2 kids.    

Recently, I was feeling stressed, tired and honestly just overwhelmed with too much to do and not enough time to do it.  I was feeling trapped in the routine of 'have-to's' and like I just couldn't keep up.  So, He reminded me that He sees me.  In those still-small moments of unrest, understanding that  the God of the Universe sees and knows me meant the world to me.  I wrote His words to me in the form of a letter from Him.  I thought maybe someone else needed to read this, too:  

Diana,

I see you down there trying to finish all your tasks for the day while trying to maintain a sound mind.  I see you feeling inadequate because you didn't complete some or all of these tasks once again.  I see how you're disappointed with yourself and feel like you're in a cycle of being stuck in the mundane.  I see you wanting to spend as much time with your kids, but yet, wanting to sit and just "veg" also.  I also see you trying your hardest to have fun in the midst of exhaustion.  I see the smiles on your kids' faces that keep you going and keep you focused on why you have to follow the routine day-in and day-out.
I see you in the mornings when you wake up before everyone else and make sure all the things you need for the day are ready to go.  I see you getting to the coffee maker as fast as you can so that you can wake up enough to get it all done.  I see you waking that precious baby up and trying to take care of all her needs.  I see how happy she makes you when she's up early with you.  I see you go to the sitter's house and try to squeeze in as much time you can with your kiddos before you have to start the work day again. 
I see how you go through the day making sure you get as much done as you can at school, while maintaining a schedule taking care of the baby as well with her milk supply.  I see how tiring it is to make sure you keep that schedule so that your baby girl can eat each day.
I see you driving to your patients houses after work gets out and try to put a smile on your face, knowing you could be at home.  I see how hard it is on you to keep going and not just drive home to see those babies.
I see how overwhelming it is to come home to a sometimes unsettled 3 year old and a baby that usually wants to eat right away, with your husband having to go study in the evenings.  I see how difficult it is to try to maintain conversations with your spouse in the middle of taking on all the tasks that have to be completed before you can go to bed.  I see how you're trying so hard to keep the bedtime routines and chasing wild and vivacious Matthew as he runs away, slamming doors and jumping on his bed to play chase.  I see you as you have to lie down with your boy until he gets still because he has such a hard time winding down.  I know it's hard to lose that precious time, but yet, love to spend time with him while you can.  You're often divided with your time and feeling the effects of it.  And sweet girl, I see you washing those bottles at 9,10 or even 11 some nights, just wishing the soap suds away so that you can just sit down and rest.  I see how exhausted you are and how it doesn't "look" like you've done much, but feels like you've done a lifetime of work.  I see it all, sweet Daughter of Mine.  And I look on you with joyful expectation, just hoping that you will give it to Me...wishing that you would let Me take on your burdens because my yoke is easy.  I can do it all, for it's when you're weak, I am strong.  Remember who you are in Me...Righteous, Holy, Chosen, Redeemed, Adopted, Fearfully and Wonderfully made, Forgiven, and most importantly, SEEN and KNOWN.  I love you and I choose you every second of every day...so now, please give it up and choose Me in all you do.

Love,

Your Father

God has been reminding me constantly to live in who I am as a daughter of the King.  It's been hard to do that when I'm trying to live out and follow the routine, attempting to get it all done on my own.  I'm often failing, feeling overwhelmed and running short on my abilities because I'm not continually tapping into the Source that is always available to me as I go through this season and every season.  And something amazing has been happening for me when I press into Him....I feel sufficient and joyful in the midst of this seasonal exhaustion, which are hard to come by on my own.  He is teaching me to thrive through Him, not just survive.  I'm so grateful that He is always there to remind me and refuel me as I go without any hesitation.  So, to the mothers out there that feel overworked and overwhelmed at times like me, let's remember what we have in Him and that we are not alone.  He SEES our efforts and will lift us up if we just look up and ask for some help.  


                                      

Timing

I've been intrigued by the timing of things in my life and how it's amazing that some things seem to just be perfect timing and some things just seem to be completely wrong timing.
I can list a million times that things just didn't seem like the right timing for me and my family and I become a little bitter.  I tend to store those events up and think, "Here we go, again!"  I've told anyone and everyone about how this and this and that happened and how terrible the timing is.  I think to myself and out loud sometimes, "What in the world is God thinking?"
  
Sometimes I forget to look at all of the incredibly-timed events in my life, both big and small that help ease those upsets.  Here are some recent big and small ones that come to mind:

-When your parents stay with you for an extended amount of time.  My parents have been living with us off-and-on since Madelyn was born because they are working on their house.  While it was and has been quite crazy with all the people and animals in our house, some really good things have happened.  My parents have taken on so much for us around the house and have helped a ton with our wild and crazy Matthew.  My mom helped me organize my house project-by-project and it has been a big blessing.  We've gotten to spend a lot of quality time as a family and Matthew and Madelyn have grown more and more attached to them each day they are here.  We have gotten to run errands and not have to worry about taking both kiddos.  Daniel has been busy with college, so it's been nice to have some extra hands to help.  There's just so many positives to the perfectly-timed renovation in both our lives and their kitchen.  Through this, I've learned that sometimes you just need help and that's O.K.  Thanks for re-doing your kitchen, mom and dad!  
-When someone contacts you exactly when you need them to during a difficult time.
-When the Lord puts it on someone's heart to share something with you exactly the same time you are talking/thinking about it.  Example:  Recently, I felt like the Lord was telling me to sing "Thy Will" for the church congregation and the opportunity arose.  Since having my miscarriage (see previous post titled 'Thy Will be Done,' as time has gone on, the song has become easier for me to listen to and believe the powerful words.  But, actually singing those lyrics for everyone and going back to that place mentally and emotionally was very difficult for me to think about, much less actually go through with it at church.  One Sunday, I was discussing with our worship pastor the idea of singing the song and at the exact same moment, my sweet friend came up to me and told me that she got the accompaniment for this song and wanted to see if I wanted to borrow it to sing at church.  Wow!  Ok, God..I get it!  By the way, I barely got through the song without crying, but I did it with God's help!!
-When you read an article that completely confirms exactly what is wrong with your baby and why she's crying all of the time.  Madelyn was very fussy right after she was born and I really wondered what was going on.  She wasn't even being comforted when I was holding her and seemed very 'mad' all the time or uncomfortable.  She was crying ALL of the time and honestly, I was about to lose it.  I was looking up symptoms that she was showing and this video came up about silent reflux and almost every symptom she listed, Madelyn had.   After I listened to the video, I called the doctor for an appointment to see if there was anything we could do.  I mentioned reflux medicine to him and he said we could try it.  After the 1st dose of medicine, I noticed a difference.  She has had some difficult times every so often, but the medicine is definitely helping a ton. This mama is soooo glad!    
-When you get invited to be a part of something that will change your perspective on patterns of unhealthy thinking and challenges you to be more joyful.  Example: I recently chose to sign up to be a part of Candace Payne's (Chewbacca Mom) launch team for her new book called Laugh it Up! on a whim, thinking it would be fun to get to read it and it would be a good deal.  I found out through email one day that I was selected to be on it!  I was more excited than I thought I would be about this, but had no idea how much I needed this book during this season.  I haven't finished the book yet, but it is seriously such an incredible and encouraging book.  I am learning how to find moments of joy in the middle of any circumstance I am going through by clinging to hope through Him.  I am more than grateful for the timing of this!!!  
  -When the Lord brings people into your life for you to to speak encouragement for something they are going through that you've been through and you remember that's what you're here for.  *May I always remember to comfort others in their time of need just like the Lord and others have done so many times for me. (2 Corinthians 1:4)
-When you find those friends that can come alongside you in your season in life and you can just lay it all out there with and vent/share knowing they will always support you.  
-When you turn on the radio and a song comes on and you know that God wanted you to hear it in that exact moment.

And I could go on, and on, and on.  I could easily just call it coincidences or 'luck'. But I know that my God deserves all the credit.  He has proven to me time and time again that He is the author of these "perfect timings" and without them, I would miss the bigger picture in life sometimes.  I would be focusing on all of the bad timing of events in my life if I didn't have these glimmers of hope and moments of truly seeing Him find ways to show me that He's there.  It's incredible to me that He takes the time to give me these moments, just because He loves me.  How I long for these times so that I can get to know His character a little better.  
But I have to say that even though I thrive during those "perfect timing" moments, the "poorly timed" ones are just as necessary.  If it wasn't for those hard and sad events in my life, I wouldn't be giving Him the credit for the good.  I tend to seek people and things of the world that comfort me if I believe that everything is all going wonderfully and "perfect" all the time.  We gotta give credit where credit is due, and the truth is, we have a God who longs for us to acknowledge Him and spend time with Him in every moment of our lives.  I'm speaking to the choir...trying to figure out how to spend time with Him with a busy and full life is still difficult for me.  But every time I remember how He proves Himself and His love for me in ALL the details and circumstances in my life, good or bad, it makes me want to run to Him for everything.  He's the only One that sees the 'why' of what I'm going through and knows exactly what's ahead.  I gotta trust Him on that with all the good and bad in each and every situation that comes my way because I know that He is working it all out for my good as I've been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).  Praise God for His timing through it all.  

To Matthew and soon, Madelyn!!

So, Miss Madelyn is coming in 1 week via scheduled C-section and we truly can't believe it.  I've been pregnant a while, but it really has gone so, so fast that I haven't had time to really sit and process it all.  Everything has been very different this pregnancy and I can't believe that the fruit of this special time will be a precious baby girl.  At the same time, the small family, quality-time girl within me has a difficult time letting go of this sweet 3-person family I have.  I am trying to enjoy every second I can of our little family before the big changes come.  

Here's my thoughts on my boy as I prepare for all the changes:  

Oh, this boy named Matthew...how he's changed our world in SO many ways.  
If only I could put into words how much he has meant to me/us.  He has been a joy, a constant source of entertainment and a challenge for us in so many ways.

Here's just a short list of all of the ways he's turned our world upside down/inside out crazy and fun.

1.  He is joyful, vivacious, loud-and-proud and completely entertaining all in one package.

2.  He loves to come over and squeeze our faces, tickle us or come act super silly to make us smile.  

3.  He LOVES his daddy.  They love to be silly together, watch TV, and enjoy running errands like to "Kogert" or Walmart.   Daddy also loves to irritate Matthew and they have a love/hate relationship in those moments.  They ALWAYS recover though and Matthew always goes back for more!

4.   I love how he loves on me, even though he is SO incredibly rambunctious!!  He loves to touch my neck whenever he sits with me, hug me after a bath almost every time (SO sweet!), give me kisses, he wants me to "Lay me" (lay with him) when it's bedtime, have tickle time and read together.

5.  Funnily enough, he named our cars.  My car is named "Doggit/Toggit."  The first time he said it, I thought he was talking about 'Target', but he corrected me and said "Toggit."  It has stuck ever since.  He calls Daddy's car "Carro."  He used to refuse to take "Toggit" and only want to ride in "Carro," But now, he specifically requests certain cars!  It's pretty funny how passionate he is about each car.  He also loves carrying around his favorite cars (usually a green one that was actually mine when I was little) and now car keys.  Maybe he will be a car guy someday?    

6.  He loves his Baba and Grandad time!  He has a routine he loves when he's with them at their house and absolutely adores each of them!  It's soooo cute to watch them together!!

7.  He is incredibly hard-headed...to the point that it can be ridiculous to manage!  He has started trying to boss us around and tell us what to do.  If we say something he doesn't like, he says "Shhh, quiet!  No, no!"  He quickly tries to make up something to get out of it, like "Daddy's sleeping" to cover up what he knows will get him in trouble.  We are working through the disobedience with 'Pow Pows' and providing examples of what he should/shouldn't do.  He can wear us out for sure though!!!

8.  The kid continues to have trouble going to sleep and sleeping through the night.  When it is bedtime and he tries to escape the bed, he tells us he:  poo-pooed (we check and there's usually nothing there), he's choking, he's sick, he's scared, he's bleeding...you name it!  He's incredibly good at putting up a front and trying to talk his way out of things!  The staying asleep thing....he randomly wakes up at 11:30, 12, 1, 3 and tries to get in bed with us.  When we take him back, it takes him a while to get back to sleep.  The only good thing about all of these issues is that he doesn't wake up early.  Still, it wears you out!  We are hoping our little night owl will sleep normally someday....

9.  Pickiest.eater.ever!!!!!!!!!  If I could ever predict what feeding a child would be like, Matthew has completely 100% surprised me with the way he chooses to eat/not eat things all the time!  I have decided he would be fine with just drinking milk, eating french fries and ketchup, hot dogs, fruit, peanut butter and waffles.  Seriously...everything else he changes on all the time!  He loves chicken some days, other days he won't eat it at all for us.  He loves snacks too, but I feel like he never likes the protein items! Oh, and vegetables..nope, won't eat them!  I pray this too shall pass, but man, it's been a big challenge for us!!!

10.  He loves to help us with things...he will throw away trash, put clothes in the washer, turn on lights, get shoes for us, and anything else he can think of.  He is extremely independent and it shows when he tries to do things on his own around the house.  He's fearless, explores mostly everything willingly and has a very tenacious personality.  He and his dad are SO much alike, it's sometimes scary!  

11.  He has a REALLY good memory.  He remembers a lot of names that surprise me, parts of books, and phrases we have said.  I'm constantly amazed at how quickly he picks things up and is able to spout it out all the time!

12.  He loves being around other people and enjoys playing with other kiddos.  I'm so glad he has such an open personality so that he can enjoy getting to know others as he grows up!  He also loves to talk to his baby sister randomly!  I love it when he looks at my belly and says "Awwww, baby sister!!!!"

Let's just say...he's quite a kid!  I can't imagine life without this little ball of energy!  We are soooo blessed by him and I know he will be a great big brother.

Now, here's some thoughts on this little lady that is about to take over our world, too:
I am truly blessed and amazed to be having a little girl.  I have always wanted one and I love thinking about how one day she and I will (hopefully) be as close as my mom and I are.  I also can't wait to see her with Daniel.  I just have a feeling he's going to melt into a puddle on the ground when he meets her and gets to know her.  She has let herself become known so much of this pregnancy by moving and taking over way more than Matthew did!  It's been crazy to feel a baby move so much and even wonder if it's normal sometimes because it's been so different!  I often wonder what this means with how she will turn out, but I've heard she could still be calm as ever once she's out.  We shall see!!  I can't wait to dress her up in these adorable clothes I've gotten and watch her look/feel like the little princess that I know she will be.  And mostly, I just can't wait to get to know her and her heart.  We know without a doubt that God has brought her into our lives as a forever blessing and reminder that He is with us.  Our hearts are overwhelmed with anticipation!
I pray that this transition will be a time of loving and learning as we invite her into our family!  We love you, Madelyn and CAN'T WAIT to meet you so soon!  

Thank you all for the love and support during this time.  I can't express how much it's meant to our family!  Oh, and I'll try not to post too many pictures, but I can't promise anything!  😆   July 7th...ready or not, here we come!  

Thy Will Be Done

I've felt a little quiet and distant from sharing my life this last year.  I think it's partly because I've felt "challenged" by God and partly because I wanted to see what He was going to do.  It's been quite a journey for me this last year called 2016 and it was full of ups, downs and all-arounds.

I tend to stay to myself or "shut off" if I feel like I don't know what the heck is going on with my life or have been burned by life at times.  I am an only child, so I guess that makes sense, but I know it's not always what's best for me when I need to process through things.  But on the flip side of that, I love to be silly and be with friends and family enjoying life with others.  Although there are aspects of my life that I absolutely love (most specifically that little stinker, Matthew!), I had a very difficult time feeling like 'me' this last year.

I began the year with a surprise of a lifetime end of January when I found out I was pregnant.  Were we trying?  Nope!  Were we wanting a child that soon?  Not so much!  But after the initial shock, Daniel and I just learned to accept it and embrace it as best as we could.  I had a difficult time believing it was true, but a part of me was excited to see why God allowed this little child to come into our lives so unexpectedly.  I told some people, seriously feeling dumbfounded that it was really happening.  Daniel told most everyone he knew, which made me very worried for some reason.  I soon figured out why I was so leery.  At 6.5 weeks pregnant, the Lord began the process of taking away that sweet baby I didn't think I wanted.  I prayed and hoped it wasn't true and dreaded seeing what I knew was truly abnormal.  As it got worse, Daniel and I went to the ER and decided to get help.  As humbling and horrible as it all was, it comforted me to be in the presence of medical professionals because I couldn't do it on my own anymore.  Even though they didn't tell me anything but that it was a threatened miscarriage, I knew that this was the beginning of the end.  I was sent home and told to go to the ER if I miscarry.  I did in fact miscarry and Daniel and I went to the hospital for confirmation.  As I write this, I'm fighting back tears remembering such a dark and awful time.

Learning how to move forward while grieving was extremely difficult for me.  I found myself crying/trying to just survive when I thought about it.  I quickly learned that finding people who have been there and understood helped start the healing process for me.  I talked to them and asked them when it will get better and how they got through it.  I looked to the Lord as He continually tried to comfort my broken heart.  I cried and ask 'why?' a million times.  I wanted to deal with it on my own most of the time and had a difficult time sharing it with people who didn't understand how I felt.  Plus, who wants to talk about such a depressing topic?  

My hard year didn't end there.  I had several health problems throughout the Spring and Summer and had to spend hundreds and even thousands on medical procedures throughout the year.  Some points of the journey were just downright frustrating, but God sure did give me story after story to help remember that He can pull me through.  And He steadily tried to hold me up and kept my head above the water.  He allowed all of these things at the right time to be able to handle them and I was taken care of by so many so quickly.  The Lord healed my health issues by October.

And in October, the Lord helped us get pregnant!!  We are so very grateful and in awe of His provisions.  I can't say this pregnancy has been easy for me because I've been so scared that He will allow this one to go to Heaven too.  Even after 3 years, I have forgotten the aches, pains and inconveniences that come with pregnancy, so I sometimes ask questions in order to figure out if each concern is "normal."  And I've also learned it's perfectly acceptable to ask questions and need a little more guidance during this time of my life.  The Lord has been very clear with me this whole time that He is taking care of it and I finally believe Him.  I'm 14 weeks and I'm confident that as of right now, everything is typical and normal this pregnancy.

Something has happened to me throughout this process that I know wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been brought to my knees wondering what in the world God was doing.  God has taught me that it's OK to be vulnerable and real with people who might or might not understand and tell them the bad news, too.  I really like to make people feel good and bring happy thoughts to them.  But there is something amazing about sharing with others and encouraging them that I, too, have gotten through the trenches and came out slightly burned, but am still alive.  God has brought several people into my life since then that have been through something similar and through that, there's been an unexplained bond that has formed as we remember that life is hard for everyone in the same and sometimes different ways.  Although it's hard for me to say this, I thank God that He has opened my eyes to the fact that EVERYTHING that comes into my life is part of His plan to draw myself and others to Him.  The song that I clung to the entire last year is called "Thy Will Be Done."  It's an incredible song that addresses the heartache and confusion that comes from a miscarriage.

Here are the lyrics:  

"Thy Will"

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I got is hurt and these four words

Chorus:

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now 
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So


Chorus

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
So

Chorus


Like a child on my knees
All that comes to me is 
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you see me 
I know you hear me, Lord

Although His will through this process has been hard for me to grasp, I know that He fulfilled His plan, whatever that might be.  This part of my journey has brought me back to a mindset that I've truly missed for a while of wanting so badly to lovingly comfort and encourage others in their walks in life, pointing them towards the Lord.

And after my year of retreating and staying to myself, I want to continually remind myself and others that He is truly there at all times.  No matter where you are...what you are going through...what you might go through soon...He will always be gently guiding you to His comforting arms, ready for anything that comes your way.  He has been so sweet and near to me in my times of confusion and sadness.  I am so grateful that I am not alone and that the Lord has kept me going through it all, even when I really didn't think I could do it.  He is faithful to meet us in our sorrows and heal us from within.

And I am so incredibly excited to meet this rainbow baby.  Pregnancy continues to be so miraculous to me and I will forever praise the One who gives and takes away...no matter what!  Here's to a new year and season!  Thank You, Lord for new beginnings!