Finding Peace in Change

So, here I am....married for 1 year and 9 months and I haven't blogged in a looooong time.  We have had so many awesome excitements in life, specifically beginning a new life in our house that we bought at the end of July.  The process to get a house was very overwhelming for us, but God truly guided us to the right house for us and there are and were so many blessings in store for us because of it.

Here's a picture of our pride and joy! :)  

I feel like every huge change in my life has taken a toll on me in a different way.  Going to college was a huge change because I had to take myself out of everything I knew and build a new life.  Starting a new job was such a big change for me because I had to learn a whole new system and make that my new life 5 days a week.  Marriage was a big change in life because I had to learn how to live with, love and care for someone else.  Getting a house was more overwhelming than I thought it would be because I have had to learn how to keep up with more space and how to care for that space as best as I can with the little time that I have.  

Can I just say that I don't like change?  I don't do well with change...I don't thrive off of change.  Change tends to cripple me...change tends to rock my world in a way that I don't enjoy.  Anxiety that I can't explain takes over my body and it is so difficult to kick.  It frustrates me that even good change can do that to me.  The other day I literally drove all the way to my old apartment just because it was a comfort to me for so long and I missed that.  Why would someone who has a wonderful house drive to their old comfort zone and think that would make them feel better?  It is the strangest thing that I am wired to love comfort..almost too much.

I just learned the other day through a dear friend that one of the reasons I don't do well with life changes are because I can't control what will happen and when/how it will happen.  On the outside, I am cool, calm and collected...but on the inside, my mind races and wonders what will happen next and how I will do with it all.  I never thought of this as a control issue, but it really is.  I always prided myself on being a laid-back person, but if I am questioning everything all the time and worrying my way through life when I don't know how it will turn out, that's me telling God, "I think I can do it better!!"  

Wanna know what triggered it this time?  A puppy...a little, itty bitty dog that my husband decided we must have!!!!!  Is he cute and sweet? Yes!! Is he gonna be a great addition to our family?  I'm sure he will be!  But in my mind, I have been worrying about all these little details about him.  Do we really want to handle keeping up with 2 dogs?  What if he turns out to be a big dog since we don't know what he's mixed with? What if he bites my future kids someday?  What if he's mean to Gracie?  I mean seriously, I've been driving myself crazy with it and I know Daniel is tired of hearing about it.  We bought the dog, we are learning to love the dog and I still can't calm myself down enough to just enjoy him.  Oh yea, here he is!  Meet Isaac!

So what's the problem?  My world was once again shaken by even just a little puppy...because I dislike change.  Why can't I just be excited with my husband about him without questioning it?  Why can't I just rest in my present new world??

I know why and I hate admitting it.....I'm not learning how to rest in God through even the little things.  I know with all my heart that God takes care of the big things in my life because He's proven it to me time and time again, but these little old feelings I have that I can't seem to shake...I seem to think He can't handle that.... that He can't help me through that because this is just the way that I am.  I'm tired of myself...I'm tired of dwelling on things that are out of my control.  I've got to trust Him through all this and believe that He is bigger than my racing thoughts, feelings and fears.

Isaiah 41:10 says: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

I will choose to remember that He will strengthen me and walk me through this life when I tap into Him.  I know that He wants me to trust Him through it all, even when it's hard and I am determined to figure out how to execute this.

I will choose to look at His faithfulness in my life...how He has provided for me time and time again, even when I wasn't sure how He was going to do it.  I will choose to count my blessings instead of sheep.  Love this song by Bing Crosby in White Christmas:

When I'm worried and I can't sleep

I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all

And I fall asleep counting my blessings  

Lord, help me to rest in You alone when my world is not as I think it should be.  Help me to remember Your blessings in my life and to embrace change as a new opportunity to trust You through it all.  May You be glorified in this weakness in my life and may I recognize Your provisions in everything, big or small.  Your peace, which passes all understanding Will guard my heart and my mind.  Amen.