Thy Will Be Done

I've felt a little quiet and distant from sharing my life this last year.  I think it's partly because I've felt "challenged" by God and partly because I wanted to see what He was going to do.  It's been quite a journey for me this last year called 2016 and it was full of ups, downs and all-arounds.

I tend to stay to myself or "shut off" if I feel like I don't know what the heck is going on with my life or have been burned by life at times.  I am an only child, so I guess that makes sense, but I know it's not always what's best for me when I need to process through things.  But on the flip side of that, I love to be silly and be with friends and family enjoying life with others.  Although there are aspects of my life that I absolutely love (most specifically that little stinker, Matthew!), I had a very difficult time feeling like 'me' this last year.

I began the year with a surprise of a lifetime end of January when I found out I was pregnant.  Were we trying?  Nope!  Were we wanting a child that soon?  Not so much!  But after the initial shock, Daniel and I just learned to accept it and embrace it as best as we could.  I had a difficult time believing it was true, but a part of me was excited to see why God allowed this little child to come into our lives so unexpectedly.  I told some people, seriously feeling dumbfounded that it was really happening.  Daniel told most everyone he knew, which made me very worried for some reason.  I soon figured out why I was so leery.  At 6.5 weeks pregnant, the Lord began the process of taking away that sweet baby I didn't think I wanted.  I prayed and hoped it wasn't true and dreaded seeing what I knew was truly abnormal.  As it got worse, Daniel and I went to the ER and decided to get help.  As humbling and horrible as it all was, it comforted me to be in the presence of medical professionals because I couldn't do it on my own anymore.  Even though they didn't tell me anything but that it was a threatened miscarriage, I knew that this was the beginning of the end.  I was sent home and told to go to the ER if I miscarry.  I did in fact miscarry and Daniel and I went to the hospital for confirmation.  As I write this, I'm fighting back tears remembering such a dark and awful time.

Learning how to move forward while grieving was extremely difficult for me.  I found myself crying/trying to just survive when I thought about it.  I quickly learned that finding people who have been there and understood helped start the healing process for me.  I talked to them and asked them when it will get better and how they got through it.  I looked to the Lord as He continually tried to comfort my broken heart.  I cried and ask 'why?' a million times.  I wanted to deal with it on my own most of the time and had a difficult time sharing it with people who didn't understand how I felt.  Plus, who wants to talk about such a depressing topic?  

My hard year didn't end there.  I had several health problems throughout the Spring and Summer and had to spend hundreds and even thousands on medical procedures throughout the year.  Some points of the journey were just downright frustrating, but God sure did give me story after story to help remember that He can pull me through.  And He steadily tried to hold me up and kept my head above the water.  He allowed all of these things at the right time to be able to handle them and I was taken care of by so many so quickly.  The Lord healed my health issues by October.

And in October, the Lord helped us get pregnant!!  We are so very grateful and in awe of His provisions.  I can't say this pregnancy has been easy for me because I've been so scared that He will allow this one to go to Heaven too.  Even after 3 years, I have forgotten the aches, pains and inconveniences that come with pregnancy, so I sometimes ask questions in order to figure out if each concern is "normal."  And I've also learned it's perfectly acceptable to ask questions and need a little more guidance during this time of my life.  The Lord has been very clear with me this whole time that He is taking care of it and I finally believe Him.  I'm 14 weeks and I'm confident that as of right now, everything is typical and normal this pregnancy.

Something has happened to me throughout this process that I know wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been brought to my knees wondering what in the world God was doing.  God has taught me that it's OK to be vulnerable and real with people who might or might not understand and tell them the bad news, too.  I really like to make people feel good and bring happy thoughts to them.  But there is something amazing about sharing with others and encouraging them that I, too, have gotten through the trenches and came out slightly burned, but am still alive.  God has brought several people into my life since then that have been through something similar and through that, there's been an unexplained bond that has formed as we remember that life is hard for everyone in the same and sometimes different ways.  Although it's hard for me to say this, I thank God that He has opened my eyes to the fact that EVERYTHING that comes into my life is part of His plan to draw myself and others to Him.  The song that I clung to the entire last year is called "Thy Will Be Done."  It's an incredible song that addresses the heartache and confusion that comes from a miscarriage.

Here are the lyrics:  

"Thy Will"

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I got is hurt and these four words

Chorus:

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now 
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So


Chorus

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
So

Chorus


Like a child on my knees
All that comes to me is 
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you see me 
I know you hear me, Lord

Although His will through this process has been hard for me to grasp, I know that He fulfilled His plan, whatever that might be.  This part of my journey has brought me back to a mindset that I've truly missed for a while of wanting so badly to lovingly comfort and encourage others in their walks in life, pointing them towards the Lord.

And after my year of retreating and staying to myself, I want to continually remind myself and others that He is truly there at all times.  No matter where you are...what you are going through...what you might go through soon...He will always be gently guiding you to His comforting arms, ready for anything that comes your way.  He has been so sweet and near to me in my times of confusion and sadness.  I am so grateful that I am not alone and that the Lord has kept me going through it all, even when I really didn't think I could do it.  He is faithful to meet us in our sorrows and heal us from within.

And I am so incredibly excited to meet this rainbow baby.  Pregnancy continues to be so miraculous to me and I will forever praise the One who gives and takes away...no matter what!  Here's to a new year and season!  Thank You, Lord for new beginnings!