Reflections on the Year that Changed Me For the Better

How do you summarize the most monumental year of your life?  How do you put into words the emotions, the memories and the complete adoration you feel for your baby?  I guess that's what I'm trying to do here...both to reflect and to try to release emotions of sadness that they are over, but happiness for the new ones that have begun.

Let me start this by telling you that I am a person of simplicity, comfort and peace.  I enjoy my alone time, but also love being with people with a maintained balance.  My world was rocked 4 years ago when I went from being alone all the time, to my husband and I being together all the time, which put to rest my "only child" world.  I had to learn the words "ours" and "we" instead of "mine" and "I" all the time.  I went from being the main person talking with others, to my husband being his social self and talking more, while I became more reserved.  My peaceful life was not so peaceful with a boisterous, Latin man.  I learned how to love someone no matter what...even when they were sometimes frustrating and annoying.  I learned how to be less about me and more about us.  It was very hard, but I grew so much from it and continue to do so.  I have definitely not "arrived" and my only-childness  creeps up constantly in marriage.

Then, I get pregnant.  My world was all about this little being growing inside of me and everyone wanted to know all about it!  I was the center of attention again, which was so different for me!  I loved knowing that people were excited about my baby.
Finally, I had him and my world was rocked in the best way possible.  Having him taught me that life was all about family and loving the people in it well.  He taught me that even if I wanted comfort, his comfort was more important to me.  It was natural and felt so amazing to provide for him.

Now, 13 months later, my beautiful baby boy is growing so much and I'm sitting here wondering what I ever did to deserve having this amazing child. And how we already got to 13 months blows my mind!  I can't explain how much I don't care that my world is all about him and less and less about me.  I adore seeing people loving on him and enjoying him.  I live for his hugs and his sweet, wet kisses.  He wears me out, but I go back for more with no hesitations!  It's almost more than I can handle! 

 When I say that he's a joy, I don't just say that because he's my child.  I say that because this child lives for moments to catch someone's attention and flash a huge grin at them...He loves to make people laugh....He hugs babies when they're crying and hands them a toy....He learns how to enjoy almost every moment he has and tries his hardest to get others to join in on the fun....He babbles like crazy and "talks" to people or to our dogs like he makes complete sense (But he can say "dada", "mama", "agua" and "Isaac" now!)....He can't stay mad for long without cracking a grin because it's just not him.  The list can go on and on.  This kid is every reminder that I never knew I needed to be joyful in all circumstances.  He is just an absolutely incredible kid and I can't believe I get to be his mother.  When I sit here and think about all that we've been through together as a family in the last year, I just want to cry and hug him!  We did this together!  We got through all the busy work/school schedules and all the sleepless nights and came out on top!  He's doing so well and we have ourselves a happy, smart and healthy kid.

And to see this baby's face light up when he sees my husband...oh, man.  He adores his daddy.  He is a studier and studies every move he makes.  It's incredible to see them together.  It's hard to believe that because Daniel and I chose to be together, Matthew is here with us.  Even though my joy is insurmountable having him now, that joy wouldn't be there without Daniel and I's choice to unite as one almost 4 years ago.  It's such a complex thought to even comprehend.  I think that's why marriage must be the foundation for your family.  It's a reminder that it was the beginning of a family and without that beginning, your family wouldn't exist.  I will never be able to truly thank the Lord adequately for giving Daniel and I each other and in turn, our little man, but I will try.

I want to thank Him for teaching me how to love in a way I never could've imagined.  Even when Matthew has been difficult,  I learned how to serve, love and cherish every moment.  Even when I'm exhausted, I have learned that I would do anything for this little guy, happily, again and again.    

Putting aside myself has been a sacrifice that has ultimately led to so much joy.  I love my little family and wouldn't have it any other way.  Only child, comfort-seeking, my way-or-the-highway Diana has moved out of the way in so many aspects of my life and I'm grateful that God saw it fit for me to be a part of this family.  I pray I will always embrace glimpses of grace and love within our family that help remind me of all the sacrifices He made for us.

Baby love, my baby love!

 I write this realizing that some mothers will probably throw shoes at the screen as they read this..but I just can't keep it to myself anymore.  At this time and in these moments of newborn/infant life, Daniel and I have THE PERFECT BABY!  (And I'm not just saying that out of love or admiration for the little guy!)  People ask me how I'm doing and how it is being a mother and I literally have nothing bad to say. The only "bad thing" is that he wakes me up once or sometimes twice in the night and I'm tired.  He cries when he is hungry, when he is fighting going to sleep and when he needs to burp!  That's it...from day 1, this child has been relaxed, go-with-the-flow and extremely smiley!!  I took pictures of him smiling in his sleep, thinking "Wow, he sure is a happy sleeper!!!"  (But I was told that it's only 'gas.' ;) )  I had noooo idea that this would carry over into everyday life when he's awake.  Once he started smiling when he was awake, there was no stopping him!  He smiles at anything and everything!!  I absolutely melt into a puddle on the floor every.single.time. he smiles.  It's SO sweet!!

Here are some of the many reasons why he's amazing:

He LOVES his sleep.  This boy can sleep...and sleep....and sleep.  For the first couple of months of his life, I could barely keep him awake to eat or interact with us.  In fact, when he was having a difficult time gaining weight, I was told to wake him every 2 hours to feed him.  This poor guy was HUNGRY when he was awake and nursing was not working for us for a few weeks.  He cried out of frustration when he wasn't getting enough, but was always extremely patient the majority of the time.  I know when I am really hungry, I am not happy either!  My famous pre-child phrase was, "I will never wake up my child..always let a sleeping baby sleep!"  So, with that mentality, it was extremely hard for me to set my alarm and wake this beautiful, sleeping child up to eat.  Also, he would not wake up for me at all!!!  Daniel would get up with me and we would try everything to wake him up together.  He would eat for a minute or two and then fall right back asleep.  It was seriously one of the most stressful times for us, because we were worried about him not getting enough food and we had no idea how to feed him if he wouldn't stay awake.  Once he started going to his awesome sitter, Shannon, he took bottles like a champ and he stays awake to eat much more these days!  He's definitely like his mom and dad in the fact that he loves his sleep.  He also seems to sleep through most noises, which is very much his father.  (Daniel could sleep through a Mack Truck driving through the room and would never notice.)  All this to say....this baby is a sleeping fool!!!!!!! :) 

He is a very chill child...he loves to be with us and "talk" or laugh, but he also LOVES to be on his own and can talk to himself happily or play with a toy.  He's a child that can just be left in his pack and play or swing for a while without needing anything.  It's funny, there've actually been times when he got fussy and the minute I put him down in his pack and play or swing, he was happy as a lark!  Daniel and I have decided that he's going to be very independent.  (We will see if we are right later on!)

He LOVES to talk!!!  Daniel and I talk to him and he talks right back to us and sometimes OVER us!  (I tell him that interrupting is rude! haha)  He loves it when I make sounds for him and he always makes a noise, like "Do it again, mom!" back to me.  He can be very LOUD when he talks sometimes!!  It's hilarious!

He is joyful...he smiles at anything and everything!  Sometimes I will be looking away from him and I look back and he is smiling from ear-to-ear at me.  It is amazing to see the joy that he is filled with and to be the receiver of those amazing smiles.  With all that joy, it has made me extremely joyful as well as his happiness is very contagious. 

I just love this kid!  He's too good to be true and I couldn't be more grateful.  I know that I would be grateful either way, but seeing how great of a child he is all the time, makes me even more grateful.  God didn't have to give us an incredibly easy, amazing baby...but He did.  I just keep saying, "What's the catch???  When will he start being a difficult baby? I don't know what I did to deserve this!!!"  I then continually remind myself that God doesn't give according to what we deserve...He joyfully gives us gifts because He loves us.  He gave Daniel and I Matthew with His good intentions to bless our little family and in turn bless others.  Even if he turns out to be a difficult child, I will continue to be grateful. (Note to self, read this statement later over and over again.)   I will not take this blessing named Matthew for granted and will continually thank the Lord for these precious days with him.  Thank you, SO much, God!   Watch out, world...Matthew Tesch España is ready to make you smile, too!  :)

3rd trimester/Delivery Story (Rated PG)

Wow, so I got really behind on blogging....like, Really behind!!!!!! I had all these ambitions to document each phase of pregnancy in a cutesy way and in all honesty, I just got too tired and busy near the end to keep up with it all.

3rd trimester pretty much started right when work started back up and it was definitely challenging to balance it all. They say your brain is not the same when you're pregnant and I can definitely vouch that that is true.  I had every good intention to prep and plan perfectly, but that didn't always happen. Let's just say that my last trimester was a challenge. I was swollen for a while...like the last 3 months of pregnancy.  When I expressed my concern to my doctors I saw, the typical response I heard was "You're pregnant...that's normal!" This was never what I wanted to hear, by the way. I wanted them to have some kind of Solution, but nope! Daniel grew increasingly concerned for me as I swelled so badly that I could barely walk functionally near the end. My blood pressure started to get higher and higher as the pregnancy neared its end and the doctors monitored it each week. The week before I had Matthew, the doctor told me I could take off work, but honestly..I wasn't ready. Lots of stuff was going on at work and prepping for the subs was important to me! I decided to work up until the last work day before my due date. It probably wasn't my finest decision-making moment in life considering what the following Friday doctor visit would look like....

Daniel and I went to my 39 week appointment on October 31st knowing that they had already decided to plan an induction date for November 2nd. In my head, I planned on questioning the induction decision to see if that was the best decision for me. In my head, that day was going to be all different than it was. We went in and I did the normal things that I do when I walk in, which was a blood pressure check and a sample. Blood pressure was 176/80. Great. Doctor walked into the room and was 'not happy' with my blood pressure or the sample that they took. She looked at my swelling and said, "well, I'm sending you to the hospital tonight. You have preeclampsia and your body is ready to have this baby; it's time to help you out." A part of me was relieved and the majority of me was scared to death. We drove home and Daniel packed his bag. We decided to grab some food before the hospital and then we drove ourselves there. They immediately got me into a room and started the process, no check-in involved, because they had already heard I was coming.  Gotta love that!  Oh, and our room number was 2323, which is the exact number of our house! It was kindof an ironic twist to our Halloween night check-in at the hospital!!!

I was literally shaking like a leaf as I entered the room and that lasted throughout the entire delivery process for me.  They took a sample from me, along with another blood pressure check and immediately decided I was at risk with my preeclampsia, so I would need to start an IV, get a catheter and have magnesium run through me to prevent a seizure. What? My plan was to get there, eventually get pitosin and be able to get up and move around so that Matthew would be inspired to exit. **Little did I know then, but I wouldn't be getting up until Monday!!!!** They informed me that the magnesium, unfortunately, would fight against the contractions to relax my blood pressure and it would feel like I had the flu. Wow, so awesome!! I Really did not want to get it, but I didn't really have a choice, considering my condition.  
*Fun fact about me on magnesium :  It made me EXTREMELY hot and we had the air bumped up so high that my lovely husband and mother had to go get warmer clothes.  They weren't enjoying the magnesium either! Ha!

What was next?  Hours and hours of waiting, being checked, waiting, being checked and being told the same thing..."You're just not dilating yet."  The next day came slowly and hearing that I was in the same spot was very frustrating, especially being bound to the bed with nothing to do but be in pain/filled with anticipation.  They checked Matthew with a sonogram and he was facing down, but not moving down at all.  They predicted that he had been in the same position for a long time and wasn't going to move anytime soon.  All of this whole day was a blur.  Somewhere in there, I got an epidural, which helped a lot.  All I remember was feeling defeated that what I thought were good contractions, were just me being barely dilated.  *So, shout out to all those ladies that endure contractions past a 3, because I could barely handle up to a 3!!!!!*  Finally, 28 hours had come and the doctor that was on call that day came in and told me that she didn't think Matthew was moving anytime soon and it would probably take another day to labor.  She suggested a C-Section.  My initial thought, was "No! C-Section is bad and you should always try naturally first!"  But then I thought about it...I was exhausted, completely souped up on magnesium ("Mag" as the cool nurses called it) and I just had no idea if I could do it much longer.  So, the lady checked my blood pressure again (Oh man, that happened probably 40 times while I was there) and my blood pressure had dropped.  They listened for Matthew's heartbeat and they couldn't find it.  This then turned it into an emergency C-Section, so Daniel informed me that they rushed me down to the surgery room in order to get started right away.  I was very worried, asking "Where is my husband?" and then he finally appeared.  This was all hazy to me as I was very tired and was in and out of sleep.  All I remember from the C-section were people talking and then I felt him being pulled out (not pain, just pressure).  I remember asking if he was O.K. and then hearing him cry.  Daniel and I both recalled that although I was not doing O.K. physically, once I heard Matthew's cry, I was immediately alert and ready to know if he was alright and wanted to see him.  My world forever changed in that moment.  Oh, poor Daniel got faint because when he went to cut the umbilical cord, he saw blood around the table I was on.  He came over to me and said,"Honey, I have to go because I don't feel well."  What??  He was O.K. and got to be with Matthew and my parents until I was brought to the room.  OH, and while they were having "ooo" and "ahhh" moments, I was getting an X-ray so they could see if they left any instruments inside of me during the surgery since they didn't have proper time to prepare with it being an emergency.  Seriously?  But This was my delivery story and there's no turning back!!!!!!!

The next 2 days, I was a mess...extremely exhausted and could barely keep my eyes opened to enjoy or nurse Matthew.  I was still on several drugs and that definitely set us back a little bit.  The pain I experienced from the C-section was something fierce, so that was a struggle as well. People were in and out and, unfortunately, I was just not well enough to be myself.   I saw so many nurses in those 4 days that I was there, it was crazy!  

The lesson I learned out of this whole experience was to expect the unexpected.   Nothing from my experience with delivering a child was how I pictured it or wanted it to be and I had to learn to be O.K. with it.  The end result was all that mattered:  God got us through it, I was alive (because in all reality, I could've been in pretty bad shape from this) and Matthew was a perfectly healthy baby.  But, for now, thinking back on those days is not a fun experience for me.  What a way to bring a kid into the world!  Ha!

Through it all, I was protected by an incredible God and surrounded by an amazing husband, awesome parents and wonderful family and friends to tell me all was well.
Oh, and this beautiful little guy entered the world And entered my heart all in one.  And, boy did he ever help me see that falling in love can happen again with your own child.  It's surreal, but incredible to be this boy's mom.  More to come soon!  

Baby Shower #1

I was very blessed with wonderful friends and family supporting me with a shower in August!  It was such an awesome feeling to know that people from all stages of my life were there to celebrate our upcoming SON...very, very surreal.  Here are a few pictures!!!

I absolutely loved all the decorations and food they chose for our airplane themed nursery!  

What is that you see on the cake?  Matthew?  Why yes, that's going to be his name! :)  

We were blessed with lots of wonderful gifts for Matthew and we also had lots of fun playing games!

So grateful for all the friends and family that got to come.

Lisa and her son Henry came down to stay with us and we had a blast! :) (My little preview of having a little one in the house was so exciting!)

My cousins from Colorodo came and it was SO great to see them again!  

Here are my amazing hostesses!  I can't even express how much they all mean to me and I am forever grateful to them for all the love they poured into this shower for our little Matthew!  

Daniel came at the end to help load

up the cars! 

We have had so much fun getting the nursery set up and I will post pictures of that in the near future!  Will post more later as I am very behind on blogging! :)  

Falling Slowly

It's been a couple months since I've written a blog...which means that I'm now almost 6 months pregnant! (23 weeks now to be exact) What?  How did the time go that fast?  I think back to when we first found out and that really doesn't seem that long ago.  

I no longer have to worry about getting or feeling sick most of the time, so that has been really nice!  My biggest issue has been my leg going numb and tingling, which I'm currently getting help for with a chiropractor. Being able to walk without my leg completely going numb is definitely ideal!!!!!!!   

We got to see our baby again on the big screen and found out that HE is a boy..that was exciting and shocking all at the same time!!  The sonographer asked what we each thought the gender was and all of a sudden I heard, "Dad's right! It's a boy!" and all things boy popped into my head like a whirlwind.  It took me a few days to process it, really.  You see, since I've gotten to know some sweet baby boys in my life of friends, I've wanted to have a boy first.  But for some reason in the last few months, people told me it was a girl and I had dreams that it was for sure a girl.  I had 3 very real dreams that it was a girl, one with the sonographer saying "It's definitely a girl!!!"  However, I did have one Very real dream and it was a baby boy, so maybe I should've remembered that one all along!  :)  And let's just be honest, I've kinda freaked about having the opposite gender of myself throughout this pregnancy.  I know girls because I am a girl, so I would've been an expert on a girl, right?  Ha!  All this to say, I've processed it and I'm embracing it more and more as the days go on.  I'm almost a boy mom!  :)

So, I had a gender reveal party the day after I found out with family and friends and that was pretty fun!  I was so nervous to see everyone's reactions and actually didn't feel like I really could enjoy knowing the gender until I told everyone else! We announced the gender by having my parents try to blow up balloons, my mom having the pink and dad having the blue.  The balloon that stayed blown up was the correct gender.  My mom tried Really hard to keep that pink blown up, but it just wouldn't stay!  :)  

Me with some of my favorites!  

Kirsten and I are pregnant together!  Fun! :)  

My friend Sarah took some great pics to capture the evening!

So, the title of this blog post is "Falling Slowly" and I have to say that that is literally what is happening to me right now in this time of waiting and anticipating.  I am slowly falling for this baby as I get to know him grow inside of me.  I think, in life, I tend to hesitate in getting attached to things that I don't know yet, so this has been a strange feeling for me.  I don't know this baby inside of me yet, but I know that I love him and that I will grow to love him more and more as the days go on.  I've learned that all the attention that was poured onto me my whole life, I will gladly give to him..because he will be/is already a part of my heart.  When I sit and think about how intimate this whole process is...I can't help but remember that God did this same thing with me when I was entrusted to my mom and dad.  God loved me so much even when I was in the womb and now I'm learning firsthand that God loves my little baby growing inside of me with that same deep love.  It's an incredibly humbling time for me and I know it's only just beginning.  What an amazing God we serve that He would bless us with a child!  Mind boggling....

Here are some fast facts about this little guy (Profile picture...Isn't he cute?? :) )

                         

1.  This baby is quite the kicker!  He loves to move around and let me know he's in there...which is actually reassuring..even though it can be very distracting!!  (It looked like he had very large feet in the sonogram...we shall see!!)  

2.  He loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, milkshakes, smoothies, fruit and most vegetables.  I still haven't had any major cravings, so I don't understand the whole craving thing yet! :)

3.  His daddy really, truly loves him.  He's gotten him books, researched things for his nursery and lovingly comes to every doctor's appointment.  He's been pretty amazing and I can't wait to see him become a dad!

4.  We might have a name already...can't believe that we could actually decide this early, but I'm already getting attached to the name, so I hope we stick to it.  I'm not sharing it with the world yet, though.   

5.  He's going to have an Airplane themed room in honor of his amazing great grandfather who he won't get to meet.  My grandfather worked on planes and LOVED planes...so I think this little guy will enjoy them, too.  (At least, I hope he does!)  Nursery is gonna be pretty dang cute if my ideas work out like they are in my head!!!  

As this baby boy grows, may I always remember what an incredible gift he is and how he will enrich my life so much more than I can imagine.  This falling slowly thing is pretty incredible....

What in the World is Happening to Me??

I feel like all of my posts are huge events in my life....marriage, house and now, this....

Yes, I'm really pregnant!!  What???

I always dreamed of the day that I would be pregnant and have a little baby..seriously, always.  Even as a young child, I used to desire to be around kids ALL the time and I longed for the feeling of a little baby or child to want me to hold them and for them to need me.  I started babysitting the minute that I could begin and have worked with kids my whole life.  And now...I find myself paralyzed in fear at times at the thought of a child growing inside of me...that I'M responsible for 
FOR-EEEEEEEEEVER!!!! (Cue "The Sandlot" kid)

Don't get me wrong....I can't believe that God has chosen me, us, to have a child of our own.  I know that it is a HUGE blessing to have the privilege to carry a child of my own.  And I have no doubt that God is equipping me as I type for this little being inside of me..and it's truly amazing.  But, I'm human and haven't ever had to be This responsible before, so sometimes I let that get the best of me.  

So, here's my lowdown on pregnancy so far:

*Maybe some of you won't believe this...but I knew before I could've known that I was pregnant.  The strangest sign that I felt was really bad lower back pain. (Weird, because obviously the little baby was extremely tiny at that point!!)  It was so bad one day that I literally had to stand up or I felt like I was going to pass out.  I drove to get a root beer to help with the dizziness and felt better.  It was WeIrD!!

*Nausea is not that fun!!!!!  I had to learn the whole process of eating when you wake up or just eating whenever you feel hungry.  I have never once thought before now, "Hey, let me eat while I'm feeling sick!"  But since this little baby has started taking over, that's been my solution!!  By the way, never in my life have I felt more like a cat than since I have been pregnant...I gag at random things and at random times.  I can just be standing in the kitchen and I will gag at something I see or smell.  Sooooo strange!

*My husband has had to learn a lot of patience, especially during Trimester 1.  I NEVER knew what I wanted to eat near the beginning of the pregnancy....still don't really.  My sweet husband took over when I couldn't stand being in the kitchen (well, let's be honest...he's the chef in our family) and tried to fix me meals every day to accommodate to my nausea.  I have only tolerated a lot of crackers, bread, lots of fruit, salad, and chips and salsa, to name a few.  Oh, and this baby has decided that pizza would make me feel better on more than one occasion.  Crazy that one of the most acidic foods would make my stomach feel better!  I have not enjoyed meats, rice, eggs, and even sweets as much as I used to.  As someone who loves food and always has, this is extremely unusual for me to not know what I want to eat pretty much ever and to learn how to stop eating if it's not agreeing with me.  I was very proud of myself the other day, because Daniel asked me what I wanted to eat and I requested steak and potatoes...ate it, and enjoyed it!!!!  He was so proud! Ha!
Oh, and how confusing is it that I am SOOOOOO hungry, start eating, and then have to almost immediately stop eating because I'm full?  I am constantly amazed at how much room I Don't have in my stomach for food and the baby is not even that big yet.  Wow, I'm in for a ride!

*I did have one realllllly bad day a couple of weeks ago where I had a stomach virus.  It was very confusing because I thought I was finally reaching that "feeling better" moment, so I had no idea why I was throwing up again all of a sudden.  I went to work and people kept saying, "Ohhhh, that's the crazy morning sickness!!  You just never know!"  Well, I knew that if it truly was morning sickness, that I was carrying Rosemary's baby for the day...because it was AWFUL!!!!  I finally gave in after almost a full day of keeping nothing down and called my doctor who quickly prescribed me anti nausea/anti vomiting medicine.  After that, I started to feel much better!!!  Oh, and it WAS NOT morning sickness, so I found out!!!!!  

Other than that, apparently I've had a pretty smooth start to pregnancy.  I've slowly found myself falling for this little baby as I go.  From seeing the baby, to hearing the heartbeat, to learning more about what s/he is developing inside there...it's really incredible and too overwhelming of a feeling to put it into words.

And!!!! Here's the little baby at 8 weeks!  

Fast facts:
-Baby is due November 3rd, which I have decided should be a pretty good time of year in the school year to fall into (if there's ever a good time! ha!), with a Christmas break on the way.  
-Baby's heart rate has stayed pretty high, which most say means it's a girl.  But really, who knows!
-Daniel thinks it's a boy and I think it's a girl.
-I had a very real dream the other day that it was a boy and he was born way, way too early!!  My dream life has NOT been boring.  

I'm sure there will be more to share as I go, but for now, that's all I've got!  So, here's to getting through Trimester 1 and moving forward with Trimester 2.  Somebody toast on my behalf, because I can't partake currently!    :)

Finding Peace in Change

So, here I am....married for 1 year and 9 months and I haven't blogged in a looooong time.  We have had so many awesome excitements in life, specifically beginning a new life in our house that we bought at the end of July.  The process to get a house was very overwhelming for us, but God truly guided us to the right house for us and there are and were so many blessings in store for us because of it.

Here's a picture of our pride and joy! :)  

I feel like every huge change in my life has taken a toll on me in a different way.  Going to college was a huge change because I had to take myself out of everything I knew and build a new life.  Starting a new job was such a big change for me because I had to learn a whole new system and make that my new life 5 days a week.  Marriage was a big change in life because I had to learn how to live with, love and care for someone else.  Getting a house was more overwhelming than I thought it would be because I have had to learn how to keep up with more space and how to care for that space as best as I can with the little time that I have.  

Can I just say that I don't like change?  I don't do well with change...I don't thrive off of change.  Change tends to cripple me...change tends to rock my world in a way that I don't enjoy.  Anxiety that I can't explain takes over my body and it is so difficult to kick.  It frustrates me that even good change can do that to me.  The other day I literally drove all the way to my old apartment just because it was a comfort to me for so long and I missed that.  Why would someone who has a wonderful house drive to their old comfort zone and think that would make them feel better?  It is the strangest thing that I am wired to love comfort..almost too much.

I just learned the other day through a dear friend that one of the reasons I don't do well with life changes are because I can't control what will happen and when/how it will happen.  On the outside, I am cool, calm and collected...but on the inside, my mind races and wonders what will happen next and how I will do with it all.  I never thought of this as a control issue, but it really is.  I always prided myself on being a laid-back person, but if I am questioning everything all the time and worrying my way through life when I don't know how it will turn out, that's me telling God, "I think I can do it better!!"  

Wanna know what triggered it this time?  A puppy...a little, itty bitty dog that my husband decided we must have!!!!!  Is he cute and sweet? Yes!! Is he gonna be a great addition to our family?  I'm sure he will be!  But in my mind, I have been worrying about all these little details about him.  Do we really want to handle keeping up with 2 dogs?  What if he turns out to be a big dog since we don't know what he's mixed with? What if he bites my future kids someday?  What if he's mean to Gracie?  I mean seriously, I've been driving myself crazy with it and I know Daniel is tired of hearing about it.  We bought the dog, we are learning to love the dog and I still can't calm myself down enough to just enjoy him.  Oh yea, here he is!  Meet Isaac!

So what's the problem?  My world was once again shaken by even just a little puppy...because I dislike change.  Why can't I just be excited with my husband about him without questioning it?  Why can't I just rest in my present new world??

I know why and I hate admitting it.....I'm not learning how to rest in God through even the little things.  I know with all my heart that God takes care of the big things in my life because He's proven it to me time and time again, but these little old feelings I have that I can't seem to shake...I seem to think He can't handle that.... that He can't help me through that because this is just the way that I am.  I'm tired of myself...I'm tired of dwelling on things that are out of my control.  I've got to trust Him through all this and believe that He is bigger than my racing thoughts, feelings and fears.

Isaiah 41:10 says: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

I will choose to remember that He will strengthen me and walk me through this life when I tap into Him.  I know that He wants me to trust Him through it all, even when it's hard and I am determined to figure out how to execute this.

I will choose to look at His faithfulness in my life...how He has provided for me time and time again, even when I wasn't sure how He was going to do it.  I will choose to count my blessings instead of sheep.  Love this song by Bing Crosby in White Christmas:

When I'm worried and I can't sleep

I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all

And I fall asleep counting my blessings  

Lord, help me to rest in You alone when my world is not as I think it should be.  Help me to remember Your blessings in my life and to embrace change as a new opportunity to trust You through it all.  May You be glorified in this weakness in my life and may I recognize Your provisions in everything, big or small.  Your peace, which passes all understanding Will guard my heart and my mind.  Amen.